Relapse

Several posts back, I mused about the possibility of my husband experiencing a "slip" or relapse in his recovery. It's an uncomfortable thing to think about. In the beginning especially, it seems like everything hinges on his sobriety. The point of my program is to learn that while his committment to his program is important to our relationship, I can live a serene and fulfilling life whether or not he experiences a relapse, or even returns to active addiction.

A few weeks ago, I came home from work to find my husband slumped over, asleep on the couch. As I approached him, I saw an empty vodka bottle on the floor. Yes, he had relapsed.

I had hoped that my 9 months in the program would adequately prepare me for a moment like this. It did prepare me, but it didn't prevent me from immediately relapsing into crazy thoughts myself. The first things I was aware of feeling were fear and anger. I wanted to shake him awake and interrogate him. I wanted to know why this had happened, and I wanted reassurance that it wouldn't happen again. Of course, this was not the moment to try to find answers, especially to an unanswerable question.

So, I tried to do the next right thing. I stepped out of the house and called some program friends. I left a message for one, and reached the next one on the phone. She helpfully reminded me that this was not an emergency: no one was on fire or dying. I could go do some things to take care of myself, and discuss this when he was sober. I did want to figure out one burning question: we had a therapy appointment in an hour, and I couldn't figure out whether I should bring him or not. She suggested I ask him, and call the therapist to see if she would object to him coming in this state.

It turned out that he didn't want to go anyway, so I went to the appointment by myself, and it was helpful. After that I went to the gym, and then did some studying. I had to stay out of the house to keep a bit of sanity in the moment, but I was glad that I was able to practice some self-care and remember that what he did was really not my business. Not that I didn't care, but I couldn't control it and it wasn't up to me, for a lot of good reasons.

Over the next few days we were able to talk more about it, and I think it helped both of us. The relapse was a wake-up call for both of us that sobriety is a gift, and one that should never be taken for granted. It taught us both humility in our recoveries, and it really taught me the importance of having my own recovery to lean on and prevent me from simply reacting and adding more fuel to the fire. I could see that reacting out of fear and anger was no better than the addict's behavior. It also served as a warning that he was under a tremendous amount of stress that he wasn't dealing with, and we were able to talk about both his stress and my stress over the same situation. As a result, he is more effectively dealing with the situation which is his to deal with, and I am able to see his committment to a healthier life.

I won't lie, relapse is scary. But with the help of the program, it is survivable, and can be instructive for the addict and the coaddict. I do hope for both of our sakes that it doesn't happen again, but if it does we will get through it.