This Year's Love

I don't have a lot of big, grand recovery insights very often. When I hear the other members of my S-Anon groups share, it seems like many of them are constantly having these great insights every week. Maybe they just are good at articulating their thoughts into a coherent "share", or perhaps they think about this stuff more than I do. I often feel like I am "reaching." But I take comfort in that old AA adage, "Easy Does It", and try to be patient with myself.

Tonight I did some cleaning around the house, listening to a S-Anon speaker on my iPod. When I was done I had the privilege of reading my husband's goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs, which is a part of the recovery program he is in. (The program doesn't address sex addiction, so he wasn't able to include that directly, although we both see everything as intertwined into a single addiction process.) It was beautifully and thoughtfully written. It made me more interested in completing my First Step with a "my story" kind of statement, and made me very proud of the progress my husband has made. He is living a life he is proud of for the first time in many years, and it's really an honor to be a part of it.

As I write this I am listening to David Gray. He has a song called "This Year's Love" that struck me differently tonight. As he sings "this year's love had better last," I thought, not for the first time, of my marriage, and how I think of it as an entirely different marriage and relationship than it was before discovery. I realized that I am getting to know my husband all over again, the him that I had always hoped was there but never really met before. He's real. Where in previous years I knew him to be cheerful but avoidant of any subject which was painful or uncomfortable (and there were many), now he is optimistic in a much more realistic way. When in the past he put on a good game face, and sometimes would make sarcastic, self-deprecating comments that could be my only clue that something might be bothering him, now he is much more likely to be quiet and obviously sad when that is how he is actually feeling. I am sure that much of this process must be sad for him, as he is starting to feel and connect with past traumas from his life that have been waiting for him to unpack and examine them.

We have times when we seem to lack intimacy, and reestablishing our sex life has been challenging at times. But I think we really are in a new relationship in a very real way, and in a new relationship these things are awkward and uncomfortable at times. It's okay for us to take our time in getting comfortable with each other as we figure out our new relationship, one based on honesty and respect. Never mind that we have been married for a few years, and together a few years longer than that.

This year's love had better last...