I haven't posted in a long time for a few reasons. For one, my schedule has changed and I have been in something of a flurry of activity for the last several weeks. For another, I haven't really had any thoughts worth blogging about regarding recovery.
I feel like a recovery loser right now for some reason. I feel like I should be spending more time reading all my recovery books and working on writing my first step, which I started a month or so ago. I ought to be working harder to find a S Anon sponsor, and generally making more active steps in my recovery. But I honestly haven't been able to. I'm in a very intense educational program right now--something along the lines of medical school, but not--and all my time that I have for reading has to be spent on my studies. At this point in my education it is non-negotiable, if I want to finish the program. (As many thousands of dollars as I am in debt now for it, I WILL finish!) So I realize that I have to do things at the pace I can do them, but the perfectionistic and high-achiever (and guilt-ridden) part of me feels that I'm not doing it "right."
Trying to complete my schooling and everything that entails, plus beginning this recovery journey, is a lot to chew on right now. But I'm taking comfort from the readings and the people who repeatedly say that just coming to the meetings and participating is the place to start. Things start to sink in. My distorted thinking IS changing, slowly but surely. I know that I will make more progress in changing the things about myself that need to be changed when I am at a place where I can focus on my steps and getting a sponsor and working my program, but for now it isn't possible, if I want to honor all the other committments in my life as well.
Trying to complete my schooling and everything that entails, plus beginning this recovery journey, is a lot to chew on right now. But I'm taking comfort from the readings and the people who repeatedly say that just coming to the meetings and participating is the place to start. Things start to sink in. My distorted thinking IS changing, slowly but surely. I know that I will make more progress in changing the things about myself that need to be changed when I am at a place where I can focus on my steps and getting a sponsor and working my program, but for now it isn't possible, if I want to honor all the other committments in my life as well.
These endeavors--school, recovery--are leading me to a better way of living, and I am grateful that I have these opportunities. I do realize that life will always be busy, and if I get in a habit of making recovery wait until I have "time" for it, I will never make myself a priority. But I graduate in 12 months. Even before that, I should have enough of the major pieces of my program put to bed that I can make a little more headway than I am now.
Perhaps for now I should focus on why this logical thinking makes me feel guilty and triggers my perfectionistic tendencies?
I, too, am in a very intense phase of graduate school right now, and I know exactly how you feel about not having time for intense recovery work. I think for me it helps to just take a minute each day to think about what I want to work on, even if it's not a full-fledged "writing out my step" or something similar. It at least keeps my thinking on a better track. Good luck with your last year--wish I was that close!
ReplyDelete