Marriage makes you ready for marriage.

One of the notable authors in the area of marriage counselling is David Schnarch, author of "Passionate Marriage." I'm a big fan of his. One of his main contentions is that issues that arise in marriage (and he includes committed relationships, particularly those of people who are not allowed to legally marry, like same-sex couples) should not be dealt with in a pathology model, saying that there is something "wrong" with the relationship that caused the issue or problem. He states repeatedly that "problems" are inevitable in marriage, because it is the nature of marriage to bring up our issues and force us to deal with them. He likes to say, "Nobody is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage."

Of course, the problems I am facing in my marriage now are related to pathology. In fact, aside from the things that addiction has brought into our marriage, our relationship is surprisingly strong. We have a great deal of love and respect for each other, probably even more than we ever have had before. That doesn't mean that everything is going to turn out rose-petals and walks into the sunset for us. But we have a lot to work with, and a lot to be thankful for.

On my run this evening I started out by thinking of how I was going to start working my steps. I really want to get started on them. I am a "planner" and a "doer." Giving me a list of 12 steps is a challenge, because once I saw them I immediately began planning how I was going to work each of them and get them done. Why? Did I think I would be "recovered" faster if I did my homework quickly? I don't think so, per se...but there was a clear plan outlined, and it is in my nature to want to work a plan.

But I don't have a sponsor. I'm a long way from getting a sponsor. I don't even really have a HP. What I decided to do was "act as if" and say a prayer, just like I used to when I was tight with the Baby Jesus. I prayed to...something...HP?...for guidance on how to start my steps and get a sponsor. And I had a sense of an answer, from the Universe or from somewhere within myself, or maybe from an external HP, who knows. That was..."wait."

I have a bunch of work to do before really doing a good First Step, so I used the rest of my run to meditate on how I got here. I thought about my family of origin, my relationship with my mother (a blog topic for later...) and ended up thinking about marriage and wondering what Schnarch would have to say about all this SA and alcoholism stuff. I don't really know what he'd have to say about it. But I am certain, without a doubt, that my husband and I are together for a reason and that we were drawn to one another for a purpose. I think we recognized something in one another that brought out the best and the worst in us both. And I think the worst possible thing for me to do right now would be to bail on this marriage (not that I want to, because I don't, but I used to think I should).

One of the things that Schnarch says a lot in his books is that marriage is a people-growing machine. Marriage has certainly forced me to deal with things that I would not have dealt with otherwise. I thought about the first time I learned that my husband had been unfaithful to me. It was about 9 months after we were married. I probably wouldn't have even found out if we weren't married, because the woman found me on Myspace through my husband's page. If he didn't have me on his page, and have his status as "married", and if I didn't have photos of our wedding on my page...in all likelihood she never would have sent me the message that he had cheated on me with her. And if she didn't tell me, he certainly never would have. If I did somehow find out about it, there is a pretty good chance that I would have left the relationship if we weren't married. (I say "good chance" because I'm a pretty good codependent, and he might have been able to talk me into staying...I have no way of knowing.) The only think I know for sure is that things would not have turned out exactly the way they have if we were not married.

And for all the pain and turmoil that this has caused for us, I wouldn't want it to have turned out differently. (Okay, a couple things, yes.) I needed to be forced to see my own illness and deal with it. My husband needed to be forced to see his own illness and deal with it. We needed a basis of honesty to really make our marriage work and grow. I do believe our marriage, as it was, ended on the day of discovery, January 7th, and thank HP for that. What we have today is the beginning of a relationship based on reality, not illusion and denial.

I don't believe that we would be in this place today if we weren't married. I know a lot of people say that it's "just a piece of paper." I've been married twice, and in my experience, it is not. There is something about that legal binding that adds a certain weight and significance to the decisions you make individually and as a couple. You can walk away from it, but you are still bound, and in a way you always will be, even if you divorce. (I heard somewhere else that you never really divorce, you just add marriage partners. Anyone who has been married to a divorced person can attest to that--the ex is never really out of your life completely.)

As I thought about this, I realized that this creates yet another injustice in the denial of marriage rights to same-sex couples. Today, the Iowa Supreme Court overturned a ban on same-sex marriage in their state. I personally feel that the denial of marriage rights to same-sex couples is one of the biggest civil rights travesties of my generation and should be one of our generation's biggest contributions to the future of the United States. I see no difference between this battle and the "anti-miscegeny" arguments of Loving v. Virginia. (And don't quote me the Bible; I don't recognize it as an authority in civil matters, or any other for that matter.) If Loving v. Virginia hadn't happened, I might not have been legally permitted to marry my husband in the first place, and nothing in our lives would be the same. I am not saying that without the ability to sign a license and file it in the courthouse, couples can't be deeply committed or deal with the kind of people-growing issues that marriage raises. They can, but marriage is a unique vehicle for raising these issues, and civil unions just aren't a substitute, as any same-sex marriage advocate will readily tell you. It is one of many ways that our society tells gays and lesbians that their relationships aren't as significant or as valid as hetero ones. They aren't worthy of legal protections. And they aren't afforded the right to get themselves into these life-and-death embroilments and deal with marriage counselors and divorces and all those things that suck but make us grow as people.

Yay to Iowa, and I hope the rest of the Union follows suit in my lifetime.