Fine

I had a really good conversation with my husband this afternoon. I told him stuff that I ought to have told him before now, about how I feel lonely and isolated, and he reminded me that he can't read my mind. We both spoke respectfully to each other about some very personal, tender things. And I realized something as I was explaining it to him: I have my own addictions, besides being codependent. I eat inappropriately (something I've known for years), and I am addicted to being "fine". I'm always "fine".

I get a lot out of being "fine." People think I am resiliant, and they leave me alone and talk about other things--usually themselves--which is my goal. Distract and deflect. Or maybe they just think I am antisocial, but either way I don't have to talk about myself anymore.

Yeah, maybe I have trust issues.

Being "fine" is a trap, though. Once people realize that you're always fine, they expect it from you all the time. It's hard not to be fine once you've set up that expectation in others. And it shortchanges those around me as well, people who would genuinely like to be a part of my life in a real way, but I shut them out by pretending to be strong. If I don't pretend to be coping magnificently for once, if I let on that I'm a real human being who has real emotional responses to life's problems, they won't see me as being so strong all the time--but maybe something better will happen, they'll see me as someone real.

Anyway, I'm not going to pour out my heart the next time someone makes small talk with me, but I am going to work on being a little bit more real to those people in my life who really care how I really am. And I'm going to try not to shortchange my husband so much the next time, and sit down and talk until we are understanding each other.

And I'm going to make a call, now.