Confusion

Here's the description for today's COSA online meeting that I received in my email:

LETTING GO OF CONFUSION

Sometimes, the way is not clear.

Our minds get clouded, confused. We aren't certain what our next step should be, what it will look like, what direction we are headed.

This is the time to stop, ask for guidance, and rest. That is the time to let go of fear. Wait. Feel the confusion and chaos, and then let it go. The path will show itself. The next step shall be revealed. We don't have to know now. We will know in time. Trust that. Let go and trust.

Today, I will wait if the way is not clear. I will trust that out of the chaos will come clarity.
Please come and share your Experience, Strength, and Hope in regards to this topic.
===================================

I've never been to a COSA online meeting, although I get the notices from them everyday. Someday I will attend one (virtually). They sound interesting.

I liked this topic because this is exactly how I have been feeling: clouded, confused. I don't think there really IS a next step, right now. Right now I just live my life: go to school, go to work, study. Go to meetings, go to therapy. Live life. Get exercise. Eat healthfully.

Trouble is, my brain wants MORE. My brain wants to GET IT.

This week I've been feeling a bit numb, or flat. I haven't really been able to put my finger on exactly what is going on with me. I just know that I'm not feeling the way I usually feel. Also, I've been very edgy. I have snapped at my husband a few times this week when normally I wouldn't. I've been irritated. And I've been very, very tired; most days after working I come home around 3pm and fall asleep.

There isn't necessarily anything to "get" about this. I guess I'm in a grief stage of this whole process, and it's exhausting. Today, I'm starting to come down with a cold. This is significant to me because I never had a cold all through last year, my first (and most difficult by any measure) year of grad school. I can't remember the last time I did have a cold, but it was sometime in 2007. That never happens; I always get at least a small viral thing at least once a year, but now I have my first one in at least a year and a half. I suppose it's my immune system catching up to the stress of the last 2 months.

I also feel a vague sense of dissatisfaction. This I think is just the human condition. In Buddhist teachings they say that life is inherently dissatisfying. It is part of the idea of desire: we always want something that we don't have, and that makes us dissatisfied. We can spend our whole lives feeling that we can't get no satisfaction, to quote Mick Jagger. I can't fix that, but I can try to make peace with it. This too shall pass.